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gives you the benefit of advice from many women who have weathered divorce. Their stories speak volumes; their insights are invaluable.
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Questions & Answers
Dear Janet,
Last week, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. All I could do was cry, and he said he understood that I needed time to adjust. Well, today, when I went to the bank to cash a check, I found all of our accounts closed! What should I do? Lyla in Texas
Dear Lyla,
You need to hire a lawyer ASAP! Really, you should have begun interviewing lawyers right after that first conversation. Many men count on a spouse's shock and denial to buy themselves time to do all kinds of things to protect themselves financially from what's ahead. It's time for you to do the same.
Dear Janet
My husband is cheating on me – again – and I want out of this marriage, right now. But I have no idea where to start. What's the first thing I should do? Deb in California
Dear Deb,
Congrats on your decision. Preparation for that big step is going to take a little time, so, first of all, be patient. If you don't have any money of your own, start saving. If he closes, or empties, your bank accounts, you'll need cash. Get a credit card in your name only, if you don't already have one (every woman needs this!). Don't use it unless you have to. Gather copies of all your financial documents, including five years of income tax returns. When you have done these things, hire a lawyer. A good one. Don't say the “D” word (to ANYONE) until you've done all this. It'll be worth it, believe me!
Dear Janet,
My husband and I have decided to split after 5 years of marriage. We don't have any children, our decision is mutual, and we've agreed to divide everything fifty-fifty. We have hired a lawyer to draw up our agreement, but several of our friends are insisting that we still need separate lawyers. Do we? Samantha in Illinois
Dear Samantha,
Not if you aren't fighting over anything. Some couples really do divorce without a pitched battle. Good luck.
Dear Janet,
My husband is trying to get full custody of our two sons, ages 3 and 6. He works 60 hours a week and I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm terrified of losing them, and he says I will, because I'll have to go back to work after the divorce, and he earns more money than I'll ever make. Is he right? What should I do? Darlene in Colorado
Dear Darlene,
Custody battles are ugly. Period. And the worst part is often when the husband tries to frighten the wife into giving up the fight before the battle begins. He's psyching you out, for sure. Most courts are extremely reluctant to separate children from their mother, and the fact that you are a stay at home mom puts you in the power position. To gain primary custody, you must prove that you are already the primary caregiver. That should be easy in your case. If you have a good lawyer (and I hope you do!), this part should go relatively smoothly, unless your about-to-be-ex resorts to dirty tricks. Be ready for anything, and remember, your financial situation after the divorce will be determined, at least in part, by the support package you ask for, which should include all your expenses, including child care, should you be forced to return to the workforce.
Dear Janet,
We just got divorced and my ex wants to take our girls to Europe for the summer. I feel that this is a bad idea because they are still reeling from the effects of the split. I have primary custody, but he says it doesn't matter what I think. He's taking them anyway. What should I do? Carol Ann in Maryland
Dear Carol Ann,
Tell your husband that if he takes your children out of the country, or out of the state, without your permission, he will be charged with kidnapping. If he won't listen to you, let your lawyer do the talking. Sounds like you and your girls might benefit from some therapy at this point. Your ex obviously needs some (can he say “anger
management”?), but with that kind of attitude, I doubt he would have the courage to go.
Dear Janet,
My husband is divorcing me and I am heartbroken. My problem is that I have always confided everything in my best friend, but she and her husband were the couple we did everything with while we were married. I'm a little worried that what I say to her might get back to my husband, even though she assures me she'd never betray my trust. Am I being paranoid? Marcy in New York
Dear Marcy,
Don't tell her a thing! Really, once you've entered the divorce arena, confiding in a girlfriend backfires more often than any of us would like to admit. I have been told numerous stories like this in which the “best friend” ends up marrying that ex just as soon as he's free. One woman told me that her friend helped her through a long and painful financial negotiation and made her realize that, ultimately, the money wasn't as important as her freedom. Six months after her divorce was final, that “friend” was, you guessed it, engaged to her ex. The person you need to be talking to right now is your therapist.
For in-depth information on all these questions, please refer to
The Divorce Planner.
You may email questions to: divorcecoachstar7@gmail.com.
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